Friday, October 24, 2008

Complete Control

Things currently annoying my head in the newspapers:

'Hilarious' articles about how to 'beat' the recession. 'Turn off the dishwasher and wash the dishes in the bath with your kids', you say? How clever! I bet all your dinner companions chortled themselves silly into their Blue Nun when you regaled them with that one.

'Dear oh dear' articles about the banking crisis. Shake your head and tut sadly as you relate to the reader how the spivs in the City have brought the global economy to its knees. Be careful not to give away the fact that you had neither the interest nor the intelligence to cotton on to what was happening years ago when writing puff-pieces about those very same geniuses at the height of the boom.

Rubber-necking schadenfreude articles about the diversity of individuals and groups who've lost their savings with the bankruptcy of obscure international banks. 'Look at them!' you say. 'Isn't it... *snigger*... terrible!' Make sure you fail to mention that those same banks and their products appeared at the top of every league table of financial products you published in the last few years. Definitely don't mention that you never warned your unsuspecting readers that the main reason they were at the top was that they were desperate to attract as many deposits as possible to bet on the dodgiest of dodgy financial products.

The 'nothing will ever be the same again' articles. Try with all your might to be the one to coin the phrase that achieves posterity. 'One things for certain', you say, 'the era of [insert future-cliche here] is at an end. Things will never be the same again...' Actually, yes. They will. Life will deal randomers who don't deserve it a horrible blow - shit happens some people - and some other punters will get lucky and prosper, whether they deserve to or not. But most people will just plod along, same as they ever did - buying food, watching TV, doing the lottery, gossiping and hoping to have enough dough for a decent holiday or two. Just like history didn't actually end; just like most of us got over 9/11 quite quickly, thanks very much; just like the boom couldn't last forever and just like the bust won't last forever. The world will keep turning, people will forget and history will repeat itself. It always does. Oh, and journalists who think they're too clever by half will be there to document it all for the plebs...
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