Friday, June 29, 2007

Acrobat

Now that the Land of Legends have blown their best opportunity of a Leinster Football Final in years, and subsequently imploded it would appear, I have little emotional interest in the remainder of the Championship. However the summer could be rescued for me if, against all the odds it has to be said, Dublin were to beat Cork in hurling.

I thought it was only me but every non-Cork person that lives down here like me has privately admitted to similar feelings. The whole country might want Dublin's footballers to blow it (again) but the levels of schadenfreude that would be floating about the place were Cork to lose at their number one passion, and to the hated 'jackeens' to boot, has my mouth watering and I'm not the only one.

It'll never happen, though. Unfortunately.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The Leader

New British Prime Minister. Even has his own song: 'Never a frown, with Gordon Brown...'

Stories For Boys

Miss Ireland 2007 is on in the Silver Springs Hotel in Cork on Saturday and I won't be around for it! Boo!!

In truth, though, they're surely not the finest specimens of women in Ireland, are they? That's another way of saying I think they're a bunch of boots, if that wasn't obvious.

Anyway I vote for Fás Girl, aka Georgia Salpa. She's half-Greek, apparently, which might explain why she's better looking than the rest of them; and better looking than most of the sorry excuses for 'It' girls in Dublin that seem to front every marketing campaign there is, from soft drinks to car insurance via package holidays.

I'm kidding, sort of. I assume there are way more genuinely attractive women in this country, who are both too modest and too intelligent to even contemplate becoming 'Miss SuperValu Clonmel', or whatever, on the way to entering Miss Ireland.

Dear God I hope so.

Dirty Day

This was the picture on the front of the Irish Times last Saturday - two girls messing in the mud of Glastonbury:


These are two letters that subsequently appeared in yesterday's paper:

Madam, - Your choice of photograph for the front page of your newspaper on Saturday last (June 24th), leaves a lot to be desired. It is both ugly and vulgar. - Yours, etc,
CLARE FOGARTY, Richmond Ave, South, Dartry, Dublin 6.

Madam, - The photograph on the front page of Saturday's edition is grotesque and distasteful. - Yours, etc,
Dr ORLA HALPENNY, Donnybrook, Dublin 4.


'Grotesque', 'Distasteful', 'Ugly', 'Vulgar'. Seriously. Maybe, if you try hard enough, you'll see a sexual undertone to the photo (which is surely what they're getting at) but only if you're a repressed, joyless, prissy freak in the first place. And one who clearly needs a good shag.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Egg Chasing Time

People have suggested that my (repeated) likening of peanut-hugging to a jumped up World War 1 re-enactment is childish and whatever. These people are, of course, 100% correct...

'England's preparations for the World Cup took a surprise twist yesterday when the squad were sent to train with the Royal Marines for three days... Head coach Brian Ashton wants to foster a closer team ethic and find out how players react under pressure. He must hope it proves more beneficial than South Africa's infamous boot camp before the 2003 World Cup, Kamp Staaldraad, where players were required to pump up balls in a freezing lake and crawl naked over gravel. They were also told to strip and climb into a hole, whereupon recordings of the English national anthem and New Zealand's haka were played.

... [Former England] Coach Clive Woodward linked up with the marines a number of times during his regime and based many of his innovations on methods employed by the soldiers. Woodward credits the marines with teaching him one vital message when, after a session in 1999, a leading training officer told him: "There are men in your squad we wouldn't go into battle with...'


Fantastic!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Overpowered By Funk

I must have been hiding under a rock, but I only heard of this Paul Potts guy, who won Britain's Got Talent, yesterday. Part of the reason for that is probably that I never, ever watch these sorts of shows; but I missed something special:



Not at all bad for a guy named after a genocidal maniac. I wonder how long it'll take for some tabloid rag to do a hatchet job on him?

I've watched all his performances now on YouTube but nothing quite matches that first performance - his nervousness and cheap suit, the look on the faces of the panel (Piers Moron and Amanda Holden ffs!) when he says he's going to sing opera, the audience waiting for him to crash and burn, and then the look on Cowell's face before he even gets past 'Dorma'. I don't mind admitting it brought a tear to the eye at all. That clip has been watched nearly 5 million times by now!

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Original Of The Species

I'm a big fan of David O'Doherty and, at a time when it's dawning on me that nearly all the Irish stand-ups on the circuit today are about as funny as two kicks in the stones (that's you Karl Spain, you Meabh Higgins, you Neil Delamere, you Ed Byrne and, yes, you Tommy Tiernan), he's the only one who makes me think that there's still some hope. These three videos are some of his finest current work. Watch them in order:





Thursday, June 21, 2007

Safe European Home

HMP Australia - like South Africa except the white-man won:

'Pornography and alcohol will be banned for Aborigines in Australia's Northern Territory, the country's prime minister, John Howard, announced today, after a report found that "rivers of grog" were leading to rampant child abuse...' continues...

Exchavaganza

You can't see what's written in the back window. It says "Catch me if you can I'm the Gingerbread Man"...

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Complete Control

I saw Barry Egan in Gibney's in Malahide before the Arctic Monkeys gig I was at on Saturday. He was with some tarted up bird who absolutely, 100%, would not be going out with a long-haired, scruffy, ginger short-arse like Barry Egan if he wasn't... I don't know how to put it? How do you classify a person who writes inane shite about non-entities for a piece-of-shit rag like the Sunday Independent?...

Anyway I didn't hit him (he's smaller than me, so I probably would have gotten away with it) but at the time I had no reason to. No more reason than normal anyway. On Sunday, however, there was enough in the Sindo to make me want to stitch him, or anyone who writes for that paper, multiple head-butts... well, probably not the women. I'd kick those in the gee, maybe.

You see they've gone and done it again. It's not enough to say that Sarah Neligan was stabbed to death and that some bloke has subsequently been charged with her murder. It's not even enough to say that her father has a relatively high public profile. It's not even enough to allude to her personal problems in a discrete manner, to add some kind of context for those who really want to know, if they must, the motives or reasons behind her killing.

No. Instead they turned the whole thing into nothing more than mawkish parish gossip, masquerading as sympathy: 'The 31-year-old nurse had a 10-year long history with drugs, and had been in rehab in an attempt to overcome her demons. Her loving and close-knit family, devastated by Sara's continuing struggle, had continually rallied around her and attempted to give her every support over the years... Despite having the best of everything and coming from a warm, loving family who lived on the Rock Road in Blackrock, Dublin, Sara fell into addiction and struggled to get clean on several occasions...' etc, etc, ad nauseum. What business is any of that of anyone other than those who knew and loved her?

They even have the cheek to go for the tabloid staple 'According to a family friend...' shite. Not that I'm surprised - at least the likes of the News of the World and the Daily Sport don't dress themselves up to be any more than the rags they are.

I believe in freedom of speech. I also believe that the Sunday Independent should be censored or shut down or just banned. I see no conflict in holding those two opinions.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Stranger In A Strange Land

France. Bit like Cork really. Nice place, shame about the people...

There are endless similarities; a songlike yet indecipherable speech; a contemptuous curl of the lip when having to alter said speech for the benefit of normal folk; a chip on their shoulder about clearly superior people and places (Cork -> Dublin; France -> UK/US); a 'creative' reading of history; and an utter inability to indicate when driving around roundabouts. If it hadn't been for the weather I might have thought I had never left at all...

We drove across the Millau viaduct four times during our journeys. Breathtaking everytime. Designed by a Brit if I recall...

Holiday reading was Joseph O'Connor's new novel, Redemption Falls, I don't read much fiction, but, for what it's worth, I thought it was fantastic...

I'm in a 'net cafe back back in a pissing wet Dundalk. Quality victory for the Town last night in the FAI Cup. There's a bloke from Togo here, trying to have E100 sent home. It costs 7.50 for E100! That's ridiculous!!

I called FF/Green alright, didn't I?!

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Gone

I is in France. Have been since last Thursday. The bloody keyboards here are a nightmare. This is sort of a postcard.

Was at a wedding in Avignon first and now I'm in Nice. Trying to book a gaff in Montpellier for tomorrow at the moment to break up the journey to Toulose. Everything has been pretty class so far although the one time I did get a bit cross they tried to surrender the country to me. Le singe de reddition mange du fromage...
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