Sunday, September 30, 2007

Egg Chasing Time

Monday's Front Pages - a preview:

The Irish Rugby Team - An Apology*

In recent weeks, in common with all other newspapers, we may have given the impression that the Irish rugby team were in some way completely useless and were about to be humiliated by their vastly superior Argentine opponents. Headlines such as "Eddie's Flops Fail Again", "The O'Gara Farce Touches New Low" and "Why Don't You Top Yourselves, You Bunch Of Losers?" may have lead readers to believe that we had very little confidence in rock-steady Eddie and his team.

We now accept that there was not a jot or scintilla of truth whatsoever in these wholly baseless and inaccurate innuendos, and that, following their bonus-point victory over Argentina, we would like to make it clear that Mr O'Sullivan is a tactical genius that towers over the world rugby scene, while his players are scarcely less distinguished in their prodigious talent, and that the very least the people can do when they return home is to throng the streets in homage to these latter-day legends.
© All newspapers 2007
*Note to sub-ed: Use this one if we win.


The Irish Rugby Team - An Apology**

In recent months, in common with all other newspapers, we may have given the impression that the Irish rugby team were world-beaters, a credit to the nation and a shoo-in for the Rugby World Cup. Headlines such as "Heroic Heroes March On", "Unflappable Eddie Is A Tactical Genius" and "Does Superman Wear Paul O'Connell Underpants?" may have lead readers to believe that rock-steady Eddie and his team only had to turn-up in France to land the big prize.

However in light of the abject and facile defeat to Argentina, it has become apparent that our rugby team is about as much use as a chocolate teapot, and that prima-donnas such as Ronan O'Gara and Brian O'Driscoll are all washed up and ought to be dropped from the side immediately. It is also apparent that so-called 'Steddie' O'Sullivan is a rugby dinosaur - totally out of touch with modern-day rugby tactics and preparation and should be relieved of his position immediately.
© All newspapers 2007
**Note to sub-ed: Use this one if we lose.


'Ireland Not Going To Win Tournament They Were Never Going To Win' Shock
by Our Rugby Staff

There was an outbreak of national despair yesterday, as it emerged that the World Cup - which had been widely predicted would not be won by Ireland - was not going to be won by Ireland.

Experts who had said that "It's all over" were forced to concede that now "it was all over".

Ireland's chances of international glory lie in tatters. Where once we could look forward to going home after a second round trouncing by New Zealand, now we... (cont. p. 2) ***
*** Note to sub-ed: finish paragraph after today's match.


'Ireland Exit From World Cup Means End Of World And Possible House Price Collapse
by Seán O'Pocalypse

An ESRI report predicts a terrifying scenario for Ireland in the very near future. As the fortunes of Ireland's rugby squad are inextricably linked to Ireland's economic performance, experts say the current flacid performances in France - totally lacking in drive, dynamism and competitiveness - are a reflection of the current impotent state of the Irish economy... (cont. p. 3)****
*** *Note to sub-ed: may need to hold this one until trashing by New Zealand next week.


That All-Purpose Irish Rugby Team Piece In Full
EXCLUSIVE TO ALL PAPERS

Three cheers/yawns for Ireland's rugby superheros/superflops. Yes they're the dishy/dull beefcakes who make the nation's women swoon/snooze.

Can anyone think of anything more exciting/tedious than watching Ireland's dreamboats/automatons driving/dragging Ireland to glory/ignominious defeat.

Welcome back/clear off, guys. It's great to have you around, so that we can have something to be proud of/start making you the butt of our jokes again.


'Why Won't These Journalists Leave Our Rugby Players Alone?'
by Our Man Keeping The Story Going

The tearful, lined faces tell their own story. The agony is etched in every feature. And the final twist of the knife for the tortured rugby players has been the outrageous behaviour of the French press.

For weeks these irresponsible and callous so-called journalists have been indulging in a daily orgy of speculation without a shred of evidence to support their poisonous guesswork. No story is too wild for these heartless hacks to repeat ad nauseum, no theory too ridiculous for them to splash over their front pages.

How dare these vile foreign muck-rakers continue to peddle their endless obsessive stream of innuendo in a desperate bid to promote the circulation of their revolting apologies for newspapers. Don't they realise that that is our job?
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