Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The Colleague

We usually sit in silence in our windowless office (save for the regular noises that I alluded to before). It's a long time since I've had to share an office, the one I have has ten foot windows from wall to wall, looking across bay in Cork. That information is irrelevant to this story, but I hope someone in a cubicle somewhere is jealous. Anyway, Lenny likes to pipe up every now and then and come out with some crap straight out of leftfield. I can be just sitting here, working away, and Lenny will say, as he did 15 minutes ago, "Awww, y'know, I think a better approach on eee-bay is to get your bid in early and flush the spoofers out, d'y'know. What do you think, hey?...". And I'll sit here, baffled, trying to retune my brain from what I was mulling over to this new, and vital, information.

However I suppose that kind of thing is pretty bearable - a lot of us think out loud after all. What becomes unbearable is the amateur psychology, or bolloxology as I like to call it...

*silence* (me mulling over computer models of processes I've never run, mild trance)

Lenny: "Awww, so how's that girl you were seeing there, the one doing the PhDeee?"

Me: "Wha'?... Who?... Oh, eh, grand I think... At least she was the last... Why the feck do you wanna know?"

Lenny: "Awww, y'know, nothing. I just heard you were still in touch with her... d'y'know."

Me: "Yeah. So? What's it to you?"

Lenny: "Well, y'know, she was a nice girl, d'y'know. I was just wondering if there was anything... there, y'know."

Me: "Where in Christ's name is this shit coming from?"

Lenny: "Awww Hawww! Touchy subject so! Hawww, hawww, hawww!!"

Me (getting thick): "NO. I'm just wondering why, after being over here for over two weeks, you've suddenly started wondering about a girl I broke up with nearly three years ago and who I haven't seen since the middle of the summer."

Lenny: "Well... awww, I always thought you made a nice couple, d'y'know."

Me: "Lenny, you've met her twice. Ever. And the last time was over a year ago and you were locked. So what the fuck are you on about?"

Lenny: "Awww it's just that my girlfriend thinks..."

Me: "I've never met your bleedin' girlfriend!"

Lenny: "Awww, I know, hey, but I be telling her what the lads be getting up to, d'y'know, and I was telling her that I think you let a good one pass there, y'know, and she was saying that you should get that girl to visit you the same week as she is over and we can go to Bawwwston as two couples. We could book a nice hotel! You could show her a good time!!, AWWW, HAWWW, H..."

Me: *explosion of expletives, profanity and a promise to shove each and every golf club he's trying to buy on 'eee-bay' up his hole if he ever even broaches the subject of my past relationships again*

Lenny (cowed): "We were only looking out for you, d'y'know..."

So, today, Lenny has hacked me off by making an issue of my private life prior to the delivery of said golf clubs.
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